D.U.B. Pies - Park Slope

On a recent Sunday afternoon, I met a friend at the west corner of Prospect Park (the corner near the Pavilion movie theater).  Since it was Sunday afternoon, obviously I had a hangover and so I was looking anxiously towards a second cup of coffee.  My friend suggested we go to D.U.B. Pies to get this special Australian style latte called a "hot white".  Going to food places (this place specializes in meat pies and pastries) is fine by me, and I feel perfectly comfortable judging them under the same harsh lens as I would a coffee-only establishment. In fact, I usually find that places that serve food are more likely to have Sweet 'N Low than just coffee shops.

The "hot white" is basically a plain old latte, my friend tried to tell me there was something different, but he couldn't specify that was.  My friend is the kind of person who brushes his teeth with actual baking soda, so I do take his opinions on food with a grain of salt.

No worries here, a latte is perfectly delicious to me.  No disappointment, no resentment at what was a leeeetle bit pricey for a smallish latte.  That was…… until I saw that the counter offered only white, brown, or yellow packets.  No pink. 

So whatever might have been special and wonderful about this "hot white" latte, I'll never know, because to me it tasted like drinking the juice strained out of a baby's diaper.

My hangover only inflamed from here on out.

Down Under Bakery (D.U.B.) Pies
211 Prospect Park West
Brooklyn, NY 11215
(corner of 16th St)

Beaner Bar - Williamsburg

I would like to state for the record that as a general rule, I do not like coffee shops.  I don't like hanging out in them, I find interacting with the staff akward, I hate the other patrons.  I don't spend time just sipping coffee and reading or on my laptop; I've never understood people who like to pass time in coffee shops; I much prefer the comfort of my own home.  But sometimes you need to stop in to grab coffee on the go. 

At least with Beaner Bar, there's really not much seating, so there aren't the degenerates who can't afford their own internet connection loitering around.  This is a big positive, enough that I'm willing to not care about the Bay Area bike messenger vibe.

But who the fuck cares, because they don't have Sweet 'N Low.  Because I always hope that perhaps they've just forgotten to refill the SNL, I usually ask if they have it.  This is usually met, as it was at Beaner Bar, with "yeah sure, we have Splenda! Right over there."    Sigh...

Beaner Bar
447 Graham Ave (between Frost and Richardson)

Serious Offender: Egg, Williamsburg

What's extra infuriating about the lack of Sweet 'N Low at Egg in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, is that they give the illusion of being quite serious about coffee.  Instead of serving just a cup, you get an entire French press pot, which is delightful for guaranteeing freshness, but not free refills.  Not only that, but they actually sell bags of their beans, in case you enjoyed your coffee so much there that you'd like to recreate the experience at home.  No thanks, Egg, since my coffee tasted like the fetid bongwater of Splenda, I'd rather bite the inside of my cheek then keep rebiting it accidentally for a week.

The food is very good, however.

Splenda and raw sugar only:

Coffee for sale:

A Man who appreciates his Sweet N Low

The best scene of Swimming with Sharks is when the Kevin Spacey goes nuts on his new assistant for giving him an Equal packet instead of Sweet 'N Low.  It's pretty much exactly what I wish I could say to a barista when I'm told there's only Splenda available.

Enjoy:

Patron Saint of Sweet 'N Low: Regis Philbin

When Sweet 'N Low went on the hunt for a celebrity spokesman, they knew they had to find someone who really spoke to their demographic: senior citizens and people so morbidly obese they can't leave their house and watch lots of daytime television.  So Regis Philbin was the obvious choice.

He did a TV ad spot which doesn't run anymore (and I frustratingly can't find a video of) extolling the virtues of the sweet stuff.  According to the CEO, Reeg was already an avid user, so was a natural pitchman:

“Some of these sweeteners say they taste like sugar,” Philibin says in the spots. "If I wanted my coffee to taste like sugar, I'd use sugar! To me, in my coffee, Sweet'N Low tastes better than sugar! It's got that extra that extra zing of sweetness none of the others have. Its taste is unique and I love it! You can't beat Pink, pal!”

Regis Philbin Endorses Sweet 'N Low (Promo Magazine)

What's funny to me is that Regis is also the spokesman for TD Bank, which is my bank. I never expected to find myself living a life where Regis Philbin is my guiding star, but so be it.

Lula Bean Cafe

Lula Bean Cafe is right near my home, and would be a great place to be able to drink their coffee.  They have good prices and really good pastries and sandwiches.  They have Splenda and two kinds of real sugar, one of which comes in a fancy shmancy tube shaped package.  Also, the people who work there are all good looking.  Apparently the beautiful don't want the business of us mouth-breathing Sweet'N Lowers, because that's the one thing this place is missing.

I don't want to gloat about the negative energy that must be circling back, but their website is also apparently hacked by some oxycotin peddlers (scroll all the way down to see) LulaBeanCafe.com


Lula Bean Cafe on Yelp.com
797 Grand st. Brooklyn, N